Top 10 Signs I’m Getting Old . . .

Pam, Heather, Maggie on the South Campus Bus

Pam, Heather, Maggie on the South Campus Bus

10.) I actually bought a vacuum last night. Not only had I made price comparisons and a bit of research beforehand, but I was thrilled to find that the actual vacuum I wanted was on sale. I’m counting it as the best purchase I’ve made all month . . . Sigh. Remember the days when that title went to a bangin’ new purse or that new kind of mascara Drew Barrymore’s always talking about? (p.s. I love that mascara!) Continue reading


Top 10 Worst Places to Meet A Man

10.)  Talladega Speedway, Talladega, ALMaggie, Emily and Jaclyn at TalladegaDon’t get me wrong. I had tons of fun losing my NAS-V-CARd at Talladega. Shake and bake, baby! But I happened to make the horrible mistake of wearing a dress to the race. Now, for those of you that know me, you probably realize that I wear a dress just about everywhere. So I thought nothing of breaking out a plaid sundress for the occasion. But the men of Talladega had apparently never seen anything like it. Cat calls, skirt-looker-uppers and disgusting beer-gutters abounded. Sorry Walker and Texas Ranger. No spider-monkey business for me at this race track.

9.) The Honors Student Association – Trust me here. Syracuse University’s Nerd Society has a hard time recruiting and retaining male membership. We had a boy once. I of course had a massive crush on him . . . Wonder whatever happened to him (leaves computer, checks little black book. Sighs. He lives in a different time zone now.)

8.)Speed Dating – Look, I know this is the kind of place you head to in search of a man, but let’s be honest – you’re not gonna meet your soul mate in the 90 seconds (or is it a minute) you’re allotted to get to know someone across a card table in a gymnasium. And if you’re not looking for a commitment, well – you should continue not looking for one somewhere else.

Emily, Maggie and Lee at the Alabama State Fair7.) The Alabama State Fair – Don’t get the wrong idea. I realize this is two Alabama locations in the first four list entries. And I also realize that my readers in the northeast probably have a stereotype about what Alabama men (and even women) are like. Your stereotypes are completely unfounded. Your stereotypes about people at state fairs in general, however, completely valid. Although there’s no better aphrodisiac than a deep-fried Oreo.

6.) The Health Clinic – “It’s just a rash. It’ll clear up in 7 to 10 days.” That kind of excuse might work on some people, but I hope you’re smart enough to see through it. And if you don’t actually have the brains to make it through this one on your own, well then, that’s what you have Milk and Cheerios for. Trust me. Stay clear.

5.) Day care – Just picking up his nephew my ass. 

4.) Scranton, Pennsylvania – Um. I think there’s about one good man to be found in the entire Scranton metro area (if you can call that a metro area), and his name is Jim Halpert. Wonderful as he is, we all know he’s taken and alas, there’s no hope for the rest of us. So ladies, if you have the ability to do so, please avoid the 570 area code. You won’t be sorry.

Maggie and Suzie prepare for a classy evening.3.) Toga Parties – Look, I love a good toga party as much as the next girl. Trust me. But there are a few basic rules about college fetes that have to be followed. Never bring a guy home from a bar. Never bring a guy home from a fraternity party. And never, never bring a guy home if he resembles John Belushi in any way, shape or form. It’s Girl Code. Please don’t violate Girl Code.

2.) Bowling Alleys, Roller Rinks, or Arcades – They were awesome in middle school. In fact, I think I had three or four roller-rink birthday parties over the years. (It helped that I grew up near the world’s largest roller arena) But when it comes down to it, that kind of fun should be left in your rear-view mirror, along with your Nano Pet, platform shoes, and butterfly hair clips – no matter how romantic a couple’s skate may sound.

1.) And the number one worst place to meet a man is Jail – Look. I’m not here to judge. Maybe you did a night of hard time for a childish prank, ridiculous stack of parking tickets, or sassing a police officer. But that does not allow you to form a relationship during your time in the slammer. I know he seems all James Dean-y and rebellious. And I bet he looks really cute in his cut-off jorts and flannel shirt. And whoo-ee do I find it hard to resist a shoulder tattoo, but please. For me. Let it go. Resist the temptation to fly with the jail bird. You’ll thank me later.

Top Ten: Older Men I Have to Have

10.) Michael JordanI grew up in the late 1980’s and early 1990’s, when MJ was on top. I saw him slam dunk, try his bat for grand slams, and get looney in Space Jam. There is nothing this man cant do. Including win the heart of a 22 year old.

9.) Sean Connery – I know. He’s a little before my time, but while that makes some men, well, old, it just makes Sean timeless. Throw a killer Scottish accent on him, and you’ve got this pale, freckled girl’s heart racing.

8.) John Stamos – Even his mullet was hot. Even as a little girl – I was in the third grade when Full House ended its run – I watched my favorite TV show for two reasons. 1.) Because I’m the same age as the Olsen twins and I liked to pretend we were total BFFS. 2.) I knew as an 8-year old, that Uncle Jesse was God’s gift to TGIF.

7.) Bill Clinton – Is it creepy that I’m writing this while wearing a blue dress . . . at my internship? Honestly, I just love this man. I know he’s a cheating, misogynist kinda guy, and I should hate him, but something about that just makes him all the more intriguing.

6.) Brad Pitt You may say that Brad Pitt doesn’t count as an “older man.” Well, I’m 22, and I say he does. Because if I came home with Brad Pitt, two things would happen. 1.) My father would take him to the back 40 with his favorite backhoe. 2.) My Auntie M (who’s about four decades my senior) would attempt to dig him back up and run away with him.

5.) Denzel Washington – I contemplated not even putting his last name in the listing. That’s how iconic and gorgeous this man is. He’s just Denzel. I cant quite put my finger on the exact moment I fell in love with him, but I’ll tell you the day I’ll fall out of love with him: Never. Never-ever-ever.

4.) Pierce Brosnan I feel as though there’s no explanation needed here. Have you read my The Price is Wrong post?

3.) George Clooney – Paging Dr. Ross. This blogger seems to have stopped breathing. Could you please assist her with some mouth-to-mouth resuscitation? I grew up getting shoved off to bed before 10 p.m. on Thursdays so my mother could have an hour to herself watching ER. I think I saw her try to make out with the TV once . . .

2 .) Anderson CooperI know what you’re thinking. I might not be his type, right? Look, all I have to say is, this is Anderson Cooper, and I’m an aspiring journalist, and I appreciate him on approximately 14 different levels. Though I admit, 12 of those levels have to do with his hair and/or eyes.

1.) Richard GereAn Officer and a Gentleman was filmed four years before I was born, and I think I knew, in-utero, that he is the single most amazing combination of X and Y chromosomes ever to walk this earth. Richard, if you’re reading this, I just want you to know, I would resort to a life of turning tricks, just to one day see you scale my fire escape.

Top Ten Reasons I Have Not Been Working On My Thesis

10.) I may have — accidentally — wandered the internet the other night, stumbling upon the ABC Family Original Series “Greek.” Then I may have — also accidentally — proceeded to watch all 10 episodes in a two-day period of time. And I have to say that while I am usually the Evan type (see: my love for Logan Huntzberger) there is something about that Cappie guy that simply rocked my world.

9.) Thesis writing is hard work. Procrastination is not hard work. Ex: I have finally updated my blog (twice) since I returned home Monday night; I baked two dozen holiday cookies; I even wrote out all my holiday cards and hand delivered them to the post office instead of sticking them in the mailbox at the end of my driveway.

8.) The mall owns my soul. I’ve been working at Aeropostale for the past couple months, and I transferred to the one in Crossgates for the two weeks I’m home. Of course we have to factor in not only the time I spend actually working my shift, but also the hour round-trip to the mall, and the 40 minutes or so it takes to find a parking spot.

7.) I think I have changed my facebook picture twice since the end of the semester. If I get any closer to beginning the intro of my thesis, I have a feeling we will see lucky number three.

6.) My dad got a new dog a couple months ago, and he is pretty much my BFF, so I spend a lot of time rough housing with him (see: my swollen, blue ring finger and the giant scratch on the right side of my face). Don’t get me wrong, the dog and I get along very well, he’s just got a lotta spunk — which I, of all people, can appreciate.

5.) The phone rings every five minutes in this house, something that didn’t bother me much as a child, since it just seemed completely normal. Now I see that it’s just an inordinate amount of phone calls, half of which Dad never returns, and all of which he is never here to answer. Translation: Secretary Duty.

4.) Speaking of the phone… I don’t really talk to many people from my hometown any more, after all, it’s been four years since I loaded up Mom’s SUV and decided to rarely, if ever, look back. So being here means I’m not around my good friends. In other words, my cell phone is almost always in use and my screen name is running on overdrive.

3.) When searching for inspiration to write my thesis on Monday night, I googled “writing quotes” and proceeded to look through about 150 inspirational quote about writing. It really did inspire me, but by the time I was done reading them all it was time for bed.

2.) I’m not really in a rush when I’m here. Usually at school it’s: wake up early; class; class; meeting; class; class; meeting; work; homework; shower; bed; up early… Here it’s: sleep until I’m done sleeping; shower; leisurely prepare for work; drive/find parking for work; work; home; “Greek”; bed.

1.) Maybe it’s because I haven’t had enough caffeine in my system the past couple days, and my body is in a state of confusion?

Top Ten Reasons To Go Home For Thanksgiving

10.) To be quite honest, the last time you did laundry was the last time you were home — and that was in September. You can only go out and buy new underwear so many times in a semester without feeling like you’re wasting money. It’s time to finally bundle up your 50-plus pounds of dirty clothes, haul it home, and smell like the Snuggles Bear again.

9.) Turkey sounds really good right about now. Especially since there is no chance of it being served with blue-box macaroni and cheese or pepperoni pizza, the only two pieces of sustenance that have entered your mouth in the past two weeks…. Besides Diet Mountain Dew of course.

8.) You can actually get in your car to drive home for Thanksgiving. It’s been so long since you and your little four-wheel lady got to spend quality time together. At school, you’re always walking to class and you feel as though you haven’t given her the attention she deserves.

7.) You have a couple new “that’s what she said” jokes you can’t wait to test out on your dad, who truly appreciates these little zings — maybe even more than you.

6.) You have a feeling your parents’ new dog/cat/chameleon (whatever kind of pet they recently purchased in your absence) might be getting a bit too comfortable as an only child. You hear rumors that it sleeps in your bed, sits beneath your chair at the dinner table, and even responds to your name. It’s time you go home and set this step-child straight. You are in control here, and no four-legged critter is going to steal your spot in the family tree.

5.) Your liver has been working on overdrive for the last … um, well about 12 weeks now, and you have a feeling it could get some much-needed vacation at home. That is until Aunt Ellie shows up at the dinner table with a jug of hard apple cider and too many childhood stories to tell.

4.) It’s a reason to turn the heat in your apartment down to approximately 42 degrees for five days, so you can save on the bill for the month. Not to mention the fact that you can enjoy the heat of your real home at your parents’ expense. Turn the heat up to 75? Sounds like a great idea to me.

3.) As long as your sitting in your parent’s living room it’s completely possible to forget about the fact that you have 27 pages worth of papers due the next Monday, two tests on Tuesday, a creative project due by noon on Thursday, and approximately 12 hours worth of paperwork to accomplish during the following week.

2.) Your sister just bought the complete series of Sex And The City on DVD and is offering a bowl of popcorn if you share the love with her.

1.) You’ll probably get a free tank of gas from your parents, a twenty shoved in your jacket pocket from Grandpa, enough pie for a week, and one too many cheek pinches… Yup, there’s nothing like going home for the holidays.

Top Ten Ways College Kids Can Help Save The Environment

We have limited income, and according to polling statistics, we don’t really turn out to vote like we should. But there’s got to be some way college kids can help save the environment. Well, there is. In fact, there are 10.

10.) Stop exercising. One of the key problems contributing to global warming is the overwhelming amount of carbon emissions in our world. Let’s think about this. Carbon. What does that sound like? Oh yea, carbon dioxide. And how does that get out in the air? From us breathing of course. And when we exercise, our heart rate goes up, and so does the frequency of our breaths. Clearly the elimination of exercise from our daily routines can serve as a fool-proof way to save the polar ice caps.

9.) Cannibalism. Another major factor in global warming is the simple fact that our world is becoming overpopulated. We can quickly correct this by making a conscious decision to eat other people.

8.) Have more sex. Heating bills are the worst. I don’t know about you, but I like to wake up to a 68-degree room, something that doesn’t always happen at my off-campus house where my roommates will fiddle with the thermostat in the name of lower energy bills. If only there was some way college kids could stay warm all night long without having to foot a giant heating bill, or using unnecessary energy.

7.) Quit watching television. Upperclassmen — this one’s for you. You’ve come to the point in your collegiate career where you have risen to the top of the food chain in your extra-curricular activities or Greek organizations. You can officially haze underclassmen as your nightly entertainment. Don’t sit idly by the midnight glow of your television set. Instead make freshmen and sophomore students perform a sock puppet show in your living room, serenade you with the beloved songs of Neil Diamond, or act out the seventh season of Gilmore Girls.

6.) Start a cult. Cults are really great about sustainability. Your cult can grow its own pumpkins for decoration, carving entertainment, and food. A new college cult just getting off the ground would only need about five cows to survive an entire winter — and that includes beef and the necessary dairy products. Not to mention the cult recreation time you’ll schedule into your weekly meetings, where you knit scarves for each other, made entirely of the lamb’s wool you sheared earlier that day.

5.) Stop taking notes in class. Think about how many trees you could save by going an entire 15-week semester without taking a single note. Deforestation is a real problem in the world today, and every little bit helps. Save the rain forest by refusing to waste 200 pages of college-ruled notebook paper next Spring. You’ll thank yourself later in life when you’re able to chill with a sloth in the Amazon you helped protect.

4.) Buy a goat. Sure, it may be hard to convince your landlord (or RA) that a goat is a good idea, but if you really set your mind to it, I’m sure you can persuade them. After all, a goat will eat just about anything. Landfills are overflowing all over the world — just look at New Jersey — because people are consuming more now than ever. Another major problem contributing to the surplus of trash is that some people just don’t know how to separate their recycling. That’s okay. Goats can eat anything from newspapers, pet gerbils, unwanted dolls, old socks, and batteries to empty milk jugs. Keep our earth clean and use the goat trash disposal system instead.

3.) Buy in bulk. Reducing the amount of packaging we buy can really help the littering situation that our country is suffering from. Instead of buying a 30-pack of beer cans, choose a jug of moonshine instead. Don’t buy wine by the bottle; instead, buy a grapevine and make it in your bathtub. Simple steps like this can really help us keep our earth clean and safe for future generations.

2.) Hitch hike. I don’t know about you, but try as I might, I can’t seem to scrape together enough money to upgrade my 1996 deathmobile to the hybrid I would prefer to drive. What does this mean? Well, in addition to the fact that I am about 10 times as likely to die in a car crash as others with newer cars (seeing as my horn doesn’t work, there is an electrical circuit out, the passenger-side door flies open whenever it feels like it, and it squeals louder than a three-year-old on her maiden voyage of Space Mountain), my gas mileage isn’t so great. Instead of driving my P.O.S. back and forth to the beverage center to buy my moonshine, I should really start throwing my thumb up and grabbing rides wherever I need to go. The less cars on the road the better, right?

1.) Illegally download your music. What are CDs even made out of anyway? I’m not sure, but I think it’s safe to say they’re not exactly environmentally friendly. Between the actual disc, the jewel case, and the pamphlet that comes with the record, there is a lot of junk produced for these albums. Wouldn’t it make so much more sense to eliminate the raw materials, using Limewire and other P2P systems to steal the music instead? Unless your goat is hungry…

Top Ten Signs It’s Midterm Time At College:

10.) You haven’t seen your roommate in almost a week, but for all the wrong reasons. It’s not because she’s been out partying like Kate Moss, or over at that cute guy’s house for hours on end. You’ve been hearing rumors that she’s been hiding out in the stacks at the library, and the last time you caught a glimpse of her, she was passed out in a bag of Cheeto’s on her bed, surrounded by not one, not two, but three separate organic chemistry text books.

9.) The smell test has taken over your life. You know what I’m talking about. It’s been so long since you have had the time and energy to actually wash your clothes that you have to hold your jeans up to your nose in the morning while deciding if they can make it just one more time.

8.) You have absolutely no clue what is going on with your favorite TV show. For all you know, Hannah Montana’s secret identity has been found out, and so has Gossip Girl’s. Miss USA and Miss Teen USA could be BFF again on Pageant Place, and you would have no clue, because you have been busy writing a thirty-page rant about the importance of feminism in the global south.

7.) You finally made it home from the student union at two o’clock in the morning, after hiding out in a comfy chair to get your reading done, and noticed a yellow note taped to your door. Great, just great. It’s from the health department. Apparently the fact that you have not done your dishes in three weeks, and practically carpeted your formerly hardwood floors with loose leaf paper is a major health code violation. Congratulations, your modest rental property is being condemned.

6.) The chunky milk has taken over the refrigerator — once again.

5.) You used to fall asleep to the soothing sound of John Mayer’s voice, singing an acoustic version of Your Body is a Wonderland straight from his heart, through your iHome, and into your ears. Now you pass out to the tune of Fur Elise, and the rest of the classic studying playlist your mother forced you to create while studying for the SATs approximately a million years ago.

4.) You have decided, at the ripe-old age of 21, that it’s time for a face-lift — or at least a little bit of Botox. The bags beneath your eyes have begun to rival those of a basset hound, or more accurately, those of your high school principal. Yeesh.

3.) Your to-do list is so long it actually goes on for three pages in your spiral notebook. As if this isn’t discouraging enough, it is rivaled by one other document: your grocery list. You’re out of toilet paper, paper towels, chap stick, all five food groups, and dish detergent. The plus side? You still have two bags of frozen vegetables left. So what’s for dinner? Brussels Sprouts or Cauliflower?

2.) The barista at Starbucks rolls her eyes and grunts every time you come in the door. This is your third triple-shot espresso in the last two hours, and your twenty-seventh this week. Sure, she’s happy your tips are helping her pay for her own college tuition, but she’s beginning to wonder if you need some sort of clinical treatment.

1.) Your vocabulary, and the vocabulary of everyone around you has been severely affected over the past week. In fact, it’s been three days since you’ve heard anyone (outside of your professors and TAs of course) use an actual word. You even accept “Ug” as a proper salutation in the morning.