Top Ten Ways College Kids Can Help Save The Environment

We have limited income, and according to polling statistics, we don’t really turn out to vote like we should. But there’s got to be some way college kids can help save the environment. Well, there is. In fact, there are 10.

10.) Stop exercising. One of the key problems contributing to global warming is the overwhelming amount of carbon emissions in our world. Let’s think about this. Carbon. What does that sound like? Oh yea, carbon dioxide. And how does that get out in the air? From us breathing of course. And when we exercise, our heart rate goes up, and so does the frequency of our breaths. Clearly the elimination of exercise from our daily routines can serve as a fool-proof way to save the polar ice caps.

9.) Cannibalism. Another major factor in global warming is the simple fact that our world is becoming overpopulated. We can quickly correct this by making a conscious decision to eat other people.

8.) Have more sex. Heating bills are the worst. I don’t know about you, but I like to wake up to a 68-degree room, something that doesn’t always happen at my off-campus house where my roommates will fiddle with the thermostat in the name of lower energy bills. If only there was some way college kids could stay warm all night long without having to foot a giant heating bill, or using unnecessary energy.

7.) Quit watching television. Upperclassmen — this one’s for you. You’ve come to the point in your collegiate career where you have risen to the top of the food chain in your extra-curricular activities or Greek organizations. You can officially haze underclassmen as your nightly entertainment. Don’t sit idly by the midnight glow of your television set. Instead make freshmen and sophomore students perform a sock puppet show in your living room, serenade you with the beloved songs of Neil Diamond, or act out the seventh season of Gilmore Girls.

6.) Start a cult. Cults are really great about sustainability. Your cult can grow its own pumpkins for decoration, carving entertainment, and food. A new college cult just getting off the ground would only need about five cows to survive an entire winter — and that includes beef and the necessary dairy products. Not to mention the cult recreation time you’ll schedule into your weekly meetings, where you knit scarves for each other, made entirely of the lamb’s wool you sheared earlier that day.

5.) Stop taking notes in class. Think about how many trees you could save by going an entire 15-week semester without taking a single note. Deforestation is a real problem in the world today, and every little bit helps. Save the rain forest by refusing to waste 200 pages of college-ruled notebook paper next Spring. You’ll thank yourself later in life when you’re able to chill with a sloth in the Amazon you helped protect.

4.) Buy a goat. Sure, it may be hard to convince your landlord (or RA) that a goat is a good idea, but if you really set your mind to it, I’m sure you can persuade them. After all, a goat will eat just about anything. Landfills are overflowing all over the world — just look at New Jersey — because people are consuming more now than ever. Another major problem contributing to the surplus of trash is that some people just don’t know how to separate their recycling. That’s okay. Goats can eat anything from newspapers, pet gerbils, unwanted dolls, old socks, and batteries to empty milk jugs. Keep our earth clean and use the goat trash disposal system instead.

3.) Buy in bulk. Reducing the amount of packaging we buy can really help the littering situation that our country is suffering from. Instead of buying a 30-pack of beer cans, choose a jug of moonshine instead. Don’t buy wine by the bottle; instead, buy a grapevine and make it in your bathtub. Simple steps like this can really help us keep our earth clean and safe for future generations.

2.) Hitch hike. I don’t know about you, but try as I might, I can’t seem to scrape together enough money to upgrade my 1996 deathmobile to the hybrid I would prefer to drive. What does this mean? Well, in addition to the fact that I am about 10 times as likely to die in a car crash as others with newer cars (seeing as my horn doesn’t work, there is an electrical circuit out, the passenger-side door flies open whenever it feels like it, and it squeals louder than a three-year-old on her maiden voyage of Space Mountain), my gas mileage isn’t so great. Instead of driving my P.O.S. back and forth to the beverage center to buy my moonshine, I should really start throwing my thumb up and grabbing rides wherever I need to go. The less cars on the road the better, right?

1.) Illegally download your music. What are CDs even made out of anyway? I’m not sure, but I think it’s safe to say they’re not exactly environmentally friendly. Between the actual disc, the jewel case, and the pamphlet that comes with the record, there is a lot of junk produced for these albums. Wouldn’t it make so much more sense to eliminate the raw materials, using Limewire and other P2P systems to steal the music instead? Unless your goat is hungry…

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