The Price is Wrong

At the ripe old age of 162, I couldn’t help but think that Bob Barker still had that spark.  Sure, he had been a member of the geriatric population for my entire life, but there was something about him that just made sense.  A man like Bob Barker could be sexist, calling his spokeswomen “Barker’s Beauties,” and for some reason I wouldn’t even care.

He had that soothing voice, that made me feel like all my troubles would just melt away once I decided whether the stainless steel refrigerator was more than $700.  And for some reason my grandmother — my grandmother who spent most of her life bickering — was so infatuated with him that she taught her bird two words, and two words only: Bob Barker.  Bob Barker was and will always be a panty-dropper.  It’s science.

Drew Carey, on the other hand, is no panty-dropper.  When I think of Drew Carey, I think of my childhood introduction to prime time television.  I would sit on the couch with my sister while Mom and Dad sat in their chairs, and week after week I would watch Drew NOT get laid.

Is this the best we can do?  Sure, I’ll admit it: Drew Carey makes me laugh.  I love Whose Line is it Anyway, and there’s something about that skinny tie and thick-rimmed glasses that makes me chuckle.  But when women watch The Price is Right, do they want to chuckle?  No.  They want to fall in love with a mildly creepy old man.  Drew Carey is a mildly creepy middle-aged man, and I for one will not stand for it.

Think about it.  Drew Carey was basically chosen to play the role of a young Bob Barker.  He’s like the new James Bond.  Did they follow Sean Connery (another distinguished, lady-pleasing gentleman of a certain generation) with a 1970’s nerd?  No.  They replaced him with Roger Moore, and then Pierce Brosnan down the line!  Eat your heart out, Drew Carey.

And think about all the other times these distinguished men are replaced or portrayed by a younger man.  In the upcoming film about Hugh Hefner’s life, Leonardo DiCaprio is starring in the title role.  Leonardo DiCaprio!  He’s so hot he turned the sinking of the Titanic into a steamy love story that my 11-year-old self could not get enough of.  He is actually making people care about global warming with his documentary The 11th Hour.  To be quite honest, he makes me want to drive a Prius.

So, a public service announcement to the great people of America.  I am all for looking for the good in people beneath the surface.  Just because someone is not an incredibly good looking person does not mean they don’t have other endearing qualities.  Believe me, I hate the patriarchal cycle in this country that forces men and women to look a certain way, or feel inadequate if they don’t.

But when it comes to The Price is Right, embrace the cycle.  Embrace it like it were Plinko.  Save The Price is Right.  Hire Pierce Brosnan.

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3 Responses

  1. This is actually fucking hilarious, and I totally agree. hahaha

  2. […] Posts The Price is WrongTop Ten Signs You Need A VacationNo Use Crying Over Chunky MilkTop Ten: Signs Your Extra-Curricular […]

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