Top Ten Reasons I Should Be A Barbie Doll

10.) I don’t know about you, but I think it would be one small step for Barbie, and one giant leap for girl kind to have such a popular doll walk around with a copy of bell hooks’ “Feminism Is For Everybody” at all times.

9.) One of two things will happen: either Barbie will start rolling around town in a grayish-purple 1996 Mercury Sable, or I will get the convertible I always wanted. Either way, score one for branching out of your vehicular comfort zone.

8.) I always did hate her completely unrealistic body measurements. If I were a Barbie Doll, there would be no controversy over whether it is physically possible to be that tall and skinny at the same time. And we can use all her extra chest plastic to:

a) create extra Barbies for underprivileged children in Africa

—or —

b) sculpt my large booty.

7.) Brunette is the new blonde. Nuff said.

6.) I would definitely bicker with the Mattel CEOs non-stop, eventually wearing them down (that’s a talent of mine), and gaining their support in the creation of a “Green” Barbie. What does this mean? Well, just like the real Maggie, my doll would be 100% biodegradable.

5.) The obvious spin-off into talking Barbies holds infinite possibilities for someone like me. Just pull a string and hear me say, “Ken Doll is for losers, buy a damn cat.” “Down with the patriarchy.” “Has anyone seen my Starbucks?” “Will you shut the hell up? I’m trying to study for my friggin final!” and “My roommate ate my homework… he’s on the lacrosse team.”

4.) I think we can safely say my doll would be BFF with the Mandy Moore Barbie they put out earlier this decade. Awesome.

3.) I’m pretty sure I would actually be able to get out of having to do a senior thesis for my women’s studies major if I suddenly became a Barbie. I’ve got your feminist analysis right here, Professor!

2.) Maybe this way I could travel back into time and finally fulfill my lifelong goal of being an actor in ‘NSYNC’s It’s Gonna Be Me video. [Note to Justin Timberlake… I had a wonderful time last week, but why haven’t you called?]

1.) Barbie is apparently running for president, but I don’t actually know what her platform is. Maybe, just maybe, if she had a new friend who just so happened to be a journalist (ok, ok, aspiring journalist) with good communication skills, she would be able to get her word out to the public, and her White House dreams could become a reality… as long as she promises not to paint the Oval Office pink. Vom.