Top Ten Ways To Sabotage An Inappropriate Crush’s Current Relationship.

It happens to the best of us. One day you’re sitting there, minding your own business, and the next day you have a completely inappropriate crush. And what’s worse — no matter how much you adore him, there’s just something about him that makes it painfully obvious that you can’t date him. Maybe it’s the age difference. Maybe it’s his horrible taste in shoes. Maybe it’s the fact that he has a girlfriend.
It could be anything. But despite everything, you just can’t stop yourself. And you’ve got to find a way to get that damn girlfriend out of the picture, and maybe buy him some new shoes…

10.) A not-so-brief obsession with two versions of The Parent Trap — Hayley Mills and Lindsay Lohan — can leave a girl with ideas of “submarining” a wench-face your trying to remove from your life. Number ten: Get chummy and invite her camping. Replace her bug repellent with sugar-water; put an amphibian on her Nalgene; convince her clapping sticks together will keep the mountain lions away; and freak her out in a large body of water.

9.) I still remember settling in on a Saturday night with Mom and Dad, getting ready for my favorite show, Dr. Quinn, Medicine Woman, waiting patiently for Dr. Mike to kick ass and take names with her stethoscope. My mother, on the other hand, was waiting less patiently for Sully to make his way onto the screen. Number nine: Pull the damsel in distress act. During the first season (episode 13 to be exact), Colleen developed a crush on Sully, and purposely ran away so he could save her. Sure, she almost kicked the bucket due to frostbite, but she got to ride a horse with the hottest mountain man since… well, Sully is actually the hottest mountain man ever.

8.) We’re interns. In Washington. So in case you have never head of a little something called Monicagate, you should know that Washington interns kind of dig authority figures. We dig the Kennedys. So for number eight: Pose a Chappaquiddick.

7.) I grew up on Saturday morning cartoons. And milk and cheerios, of course. But my main bliss in life was Merrie Melodies Marathons in my peejays, watching Sylvester, Bugs, and Road Runner attempt to cunningly outwit their foes. Often times this involved the use of anvils. Other times, there were hypnotists. Number seven: She is getting sleepy. Very, very sleepy. We see her eyes turn to giant swirls, losing consciousness as your voice overwhelms her inner thoughts. You’re hypnotizing her. Now, whenever she hears the sound of a bell, she will turn to her boyfriend and begin explaining all her thoughts, and how she never understood why he wasn’t with you in the first place.

6.) Let me just start this one by throwing out a disclaimer. No. I am not a horrible person. I do not set out to ruin people’s lives. Sure. I’m a bit competitive. But I would never take action against someone without it being warranted. This is a warranted attack. After all, Princess Stole My Man fired first… she stole your man. Number six: I heard this one on the radio on my way to work a couple weeks ago. Call him up, claiming to be a health clinic, warning him that he was listed as “one of” [insert Skank Bag here]’s current sexual partners, and she asked you to inform him about the STI she might be passing along.

5.) Okay. Okay. So number six was a bit on the mean side. We’ll go a little nicer this time. Why not offer her advice, giving her a few pointers on how to make a man love her forever and ever and ever. Number five: Pray to God, Wonderful Mistress of the Universe, that she has never seen How To Lose A Guy In 10 Days. Help her pick out a love fern, pink towels for the bathroom, and a puppy who just cant resist urinating on your crush’s pool table.

4.) Sometimes you just have to let her know that despite what she thinks, you are the fairest of them all. Lucky for you, your crush’s girlfriend, Twiggy, only eats fruit, celery and hummus. So poisoning her lunch is not that hard. Number four: Nothing says “I wish bad things upon you” like poisoning her apple.

3.) All right. So if you really have a crush on this guy, I mean you really like him, it’s probably time you introduce yourself to his mother. After all, you’re his likeable, hell loveable, girl friend, still sporting the title in two words, instead of the contracted form you desire. Number three: Call Mommy Dearest, and ask to schedule lunch. After all, you know her darling son is the light of her life, and you think the two of you should talk… immediately. You’re “concerned.” You “care.” You want to “make sure he doesn’t make poor life decision with the [expletives not actually used in conversation with your future mother-in-law] he’s currently seeing.” You “need her help to make sure he moves on to someone better suited for him.”

2.) This is America, people! Home of greed, abundant pride, and among all the other deadly sins, jealousy. Right now, I am “say[ing] a little prayer for you!” that you will use this last vice to your advantage. Number two: Julia Roberts taught us everything we ever needed to know. Prostitutes don’t kiss. Pollutants can kill. And most importantly, a fake-engagement to your gay best friend can potentially make the man of your dreams jealous enough to fall in love with you…. That is, unless the other girl he’s in love with is a young, perky Cameron Diaz, in which case, refer back to number four.

1.) This may be a little awkward. And sure, it’s not as much fun as letting the air out of Trampy McTramperson’s tires, giving her trick bubble gum, or running a personal ad in the paper under her name and leaving it on your crush’s desk. But maybe, just maybe, you can find it in your heart to be honest, and just tell him, “Look. Your girlfriend is a real D-Bag, and well, I’m kind of cute, and I’m a lot of fun, and I really think you should choose me instead.”


One Response

  1. Oh how I love maggie! Especially since you included one of my award winning facebook-stalker pictures of you at your desk!
    So to add to your list-yes i do know you’re kidding-but I’m not. I’ve been on the “girlfriend” side of this scenerio and it’s just ugly for everybody, but here’s what I’ve learned from someone successfully pulling this one on me..

    Best way to sabotage: become good friends with the guy you want to date, except dont exceed into the “friend zone.” Then, just do one small thing (be creative) that from an onlooker’s perspective seems harmless enough, but will surely piss off the girlfriend. All you have to do is make the girlfriend hate you and the boyfriend consider you a friend who’s relationship isnt worth jeopardizing over “some meaningless relationship.” Bros before Hos, right? Then you’re there during his time of need when he ended the relationship over her “clinginess, jealousy, not accepting his friends…” It’s so evil, but it works.

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